background and disclaimers

Before reading anything else of mine let's cover some basics.
I got diagnosed with cancer at 28 despite having no risk factors. I had an extensive surgery that lasted over 20 hours and took most of my tongue. It was followed up with high dose chemo and 33 rounds of radiation. I was 6 months into a marriage that would turn abusive. I'm now divorced, cancer free, and hoping to be a resource to both cancer patients and those at risk for domestic abuse.

Other than that please understand 
1.I'm not an expert nor do I claim to be. 
2.I don't have all the answers. This is as much for myself as anyone else.
3.If you’ve come here to troll, why?

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the best thing to happen

"I never thought he'd meet someone he loved more than himself!"  "She's a beautiful addition to our family!... He's... 😬" "She's the best thing to ever happen to this bunch of losers! They're so messed up... if anyone can fix it, she can.” These are real quotes from members of my abusers family, over the course of roughly 36 hours. Now what could possibly prompt three different members of his close relatives to say such things? A wedding. His wedding. His and mine. The first was the rehearsal dinner. His dad was making a speech (at my Ex's request) to the family and bridal party. He shared a couple of amusing childhood memories, and said how excited he was for the nuptials the following afternoon. He didn't make much comment on me; I didn’t expect him to. We had only met a few times. As he finished his speech he lifted his glass and turned towards me "MacKenzie, I never thought he'd find someone he loved more than himself! ...
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she made her choice

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"He won't stop. He'll do it again. Find someone new. Younger. More naive. Less connected. Someone he can isolate" I hate being right sometimes... I said this the day the divorce was finalized. And that's exactly what is happening. I hadn't looked in a long time. I couldn't do anything about it. It wouldn't serve any purpose. But then... I shouldn't have looked. But I did.  Turns out knowing conceptually that he would destroy another's life is a very different beast from seeing her face and knowing her name. Seeing how he is using the same tactics nearly verbatim. And knowing exactly how those tactics will turn on her. Their wedding website was fair game. And her story is heartbreaking to read through my eyes. She wasn't interested in a serious relationship. Now she's preparing to move halfway across the country to him. He told her "when you know you know". He said it to me too. When you want to believe ...
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the "I don't know" of mass destruction

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Initially it wasn't obvious. I thought maybe nobody had taken the time to teach basic life skills, and his ADHD was preventing him from finding a place to start. It was a little strange and a bit frustrating that he didn't know how to do laundry or make a basic meal or pick up after himself but I couldn't really be upset for something he didn't know... right? I thought if I could instill some confidence in him, maybe we could start working toward sharing the work load at home. I was struggling to keep the same hours he worked as well as tracking our finances, making supper every night (he refused to eat leftovers), doing the grocery shopping, laundry, and all of the housework.  I thought I could teach him his favorite meal. It was a simple chicken taco and required minimal prep work. I asked if he could help me by chopping some herbs while I gathered the other ingredients. He sat at the empty table and just stared at me. I apologized and grabbed him a cutting board and ...
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