Why Gabby?

It's honestly disturbing now to see the world with my eyes open to domestic violence. It's one of those things that I vaguely understood existed... for others. Now there are red flags I see pop up and can't un-see. 

If you’ve been watching the news recently you may have seen the case involving Gabby Petito. I've seen a lot of people who are questioning why this case is getting the amount of attention it has, especially when there are so many missing persons who all deserve to be found.

For those of you who have not seen it yet Gabby Petito was a 22 year old young woman on a cross country road trip with her boyfriend/ fiance. She went missing shortly after a public altercation with him and has recently been found murdered.

Obviously this is an ongoing investigation and nothing has been proven as to who is responsible for ending her life but I will say that watching the body cam footage of the traffic stop following the altercation made my blood run cold. 

This was the first question asked by the officer. And the first major red flags. Brian was the one driving. He crossed a double yellow line, hit a curb, and was at 45mph and gaining in a 15mph zone. 

He appeared completely calm even calling the officer "buddy" as he handed over the keys to the van. Meanwhile Gabby was so upset she was sobbing, hyperventilating, unable to catch her breath. So why on Earth is Gabby minimizing her emotions and attempting to take the blame for his reckless behavior? 

My guess would be that she had experienced domestic abuse.

I remember digging my nails into the leather of the car door while my ex intentionally swerved and slammed on the brakes because he thought it was funny to scare me, or used it to simply shut me up. 

 In the 911 calls that were made in relation to their altercation before the stop, bystanders witnessed them yelling. Brian smacked Gabby several times and she scratched him in return. I would guess it was reactive abuse (the soda can exploding) or it may have been outright defense. She continues to shoulder the responsibility of his actions saying it was due to her putting him in a bad mood.

As humans we all mess up. We all say things we don't mean. But Gabby owned that her behavior was less than perfect. She demonstrated awareness in how her neurodivergence affected her, and those around her. I said very similar things in relation to my anxiety. However what I found truly disturbing was what Brian had to say about her mental health when officers asked if either of them took any medication.

"She just gets crazy" 

I heard so many variations of this exact phrase. He would push until I finally cracked and started yelling or worse, crying. Anyone who might question why I was so upset was told I was just crazy. And honestly, it felt like I was. He (like Brian) remained entirely calm and collected while I was sobbing to the point of dry heaving. On the surface I know I must have looked crazy or overly emotional. Thankfully the officer thought to ask what led to her being this upset.

Two things about this exchange bothered me. The first being how casually she brought up his lack of support in her aspirations. You'd expect to see an emotional spike here but instead she's relatively numb. It reads as someone who has been told that her dreams are frivolous. The second is the issue of him locking her out of the van.

The van they were driving had been modified and for this cross country road trip was effectively their home. Based off the 911 calls it sounds like he had been playing keep away with the keys and shoving her away when she struck him with her nails, and dove through the driver's side window. 

Her behavior is that of someone who had no doubt her partner would not hesitate to leave her alone in the desert.

I unfortunately have a direct point of reference for this too. My ex and I got into an argument one cold, rainy March evening. I had made supper for us both, but he insisted I had put him in such a bad mood he would prefer to eat alone. I silently served him his plate, and started in on some household chores. I decided to take out the trash. It was a chilly evening but our apartment was one of the closest to the dumpster, so I slipped on my old flip flops and went out. When I got back, the door was locked. 

I found myself locked out on the porch with no keys, no real shoes, no jacket, no phone, and nowhere to go. I was panicked. I was entirely at his mercy.

 Once he let me back in and confidently said "bet you won't do that again" I started to explain why I was upset he took off in my car without saying where he was going or when he'd be back. I proceeded to justify his actions and blame myself for upsetting him.

Through nearly the entire conversation with police Gabby's body language is full of self soothing gestures. She wraps her arms across her stomach, holds her hands behind her back like a child in trouble, and her hand flits from her heart up to the divet between her collarbones. Except for one topic.

In talking about her job her body language opens up. Her smile actually reaches her eyes. I wonder if this was an area he wasn't able to manipulate her. 

I've seen people say the system failed her. The first police officer on scene made sure they were separated for the night. He insured that she has his phone number if she needed it. Unfortunately that was about all they could do legally. Police are more like an emergency room. They are there to handle acute problems. Sometimes that means treating the symptoms, giving a referral, and hoping for the best.

Domestic Violence is a slow burn. It's one burning ember that can ignite an inferno when the wind blows just right. I strongly believe that there should be better public mental health resources that work in conjunction with police. But the system as it functions now, did what it could.

I've seen some say she failed herself. It feels like she was drowning and was tossed a parachute. Then bystanders were irritated that she had access to life saving resources that she didn't take advantage of. She might have had some tools but not the ones she needed. 

I was terrified of telling anyone what had been going on, mostly because I was afraid of responses and mentalities like this. That the blame would be placed on me for not sticking it out. That it was my fault if I needed assistance in leaving. That I hadn't prayed for healing. That I hadn't tried hard enough.

I had said "I don't think my ex was capable of something like THAT". Then realized just hours later in responding to someone asking why Gabby would continue their trip together I had typed out "she obviously didn't think she was in danger"

 That shook me. Had I been in danger that I just couldn't see for myself? I asked the friend who had been on the phone the day he got physical her thoughts. She said "At the end... the loss of control... I don't think he has the wherewithal to plan something... but I WAS worried he could justify it in the moment."

So why is her case getting this attention? She was young and beautiful and I won't say that didn't play a factor. I would guess that while some might see themselves in Gabby, domestic violence survivors saw our abusers in Brian. We saw the signs and personally knew the danger.