courage vs privilege

I've been really struggling with this as of late. With almost every post I get some comment along the lines of me being courageous. I understand the sentiment of support and I appreciate it. However, I'm still getting my head around the fact I was SO privileged in this.

I have a strong support network. We joke about being "the hillbilly mafia" but it boils down to this. When one needs us, they get all of us. No questions asked. No ifs ands or buts. 

When we found out my cancer would require surgery, my entire family flew into Indiana. Arizona, North Carolina, it didn't matter. My sister managed to get a couple days off from a brand new job to see me off to surgery. My brother in law stayed behind to watch my nieces because I didn't want to scare them by seeing me right after surgery. My nieces sent my sister with drawings and stories for me.

They kept vigil during my surgery that was supposed to be 10 hours, but ended up being 20. They stayed with me in shifts so I was never alone in the hospital. 

My aunt in South Dakota messaged to check in several times a week. My best friend who my ex had managed to isolate me from stepped back into my my life and became my biggest cheerleader. She even went as far as driving from South Carolina to Indiana, picking me up, and going to her family in Illinois to get me out of a toxic situation for a few days.

Any one of these people would have jumped in and pulled me out. They also understood that this had to be my decision on my terms. Had they pulled me out before then, I would never have the peace of knowing that I made my own decision and that I had finally taken back agency over my own life.

Not everyone is fortunate to have that support system.

Thanks to my cancer treatments I had cheerleaders galore that wanted to see me happy and healthy. 

my patient tech and nurses in the hospital, my nutritionist my surgeon's assistant, my oncologist, my surgeon who got a whiff that something was wrong when I asked if he had recommendations for continued care in NC but hesitated when he asked if my husband was excited. He said "Go. If it's something you need. Just.Go. Do it. With or without him." 

This isn't even half of the list. I had SO MANY people at my back that just wanted me to be happy and healthy whatever it took. It was an abnormally large cheering section.

I had a place to go. 

I had already planned on moving to NC and my parents were already searching for a home for me to land in. The closing was just a few days before I decided that I wasn't going back. 

It is unheard of to have a space to call home prepared and waiting the moment you are done.

I had distance.

The most dangerous time for a woman leaving DV is from the moment they decide to leave, to 2 years after they are out.

Time and distance are a commodity. They become incredibly valuable in the time after leaving. The more you have, the safer you are.

I had no children.

As much as he wanted a child I was not ready and I'm so thankful for that.

Abusers always seek out the things you care most about to weaponize. This includes children. They're often jealous of of their own children because they feel they are owed the same time and attention required to raise a child. If they aren't the center of attention they WILL lash out.

I had access to funds.

I knew he was bad with money and I had never closed my account I had in IL. Both of my jobs had the option to deposit in more than one account, so for months I had been squirreling away $20-$30 at a time trying to build up a safety net for both of us. My parents chipped in, covering anything after it ran out while I waited to hear back if I was approved for disability.

Most women trying to leave DV don't have that as an option. They need to continue their jobs their abuser knows about in order to cover basic needs. They don't qualify, or don't have the time to apply for disability (it took me several full days to complete the application). 

I don't know if it's courage to leave when the alternative is staying, knowing the person you committed yourself to doesn't care if you live or die. It sounds overly dramatic but it's the choice I faced. I had EVERYTHING in my favor. And it was still one of the hardest if not THE hardest thing I've ever done. I was sick over it for weeks.

I have the ability to speak out because I'm safe enough to do so. I am privileged in that aspect. So many survivors are not safe enough to tell their story. Many more don't have the time to. More still never make it out of the abuse.

So PLEASE before you tell someone in domestic violence "just leave" ask yourself.

Do they have a solid support network to lean on?

Do they have cheerleaders to keep them going?

Do they have a place to go?

Do they have time?

Do they have distance?

Do they have children?

Do they have access to funds?

Without these, leaving becomes even more difficult and dangerous. And yet I know there are those who chose to leave with none of these factors in their favor. I understand that yes, leaving takes courage no matter what. I also understand that I was incredibly lucky to have everything in my favor. 

Every survivor has to have a certain level of courage to leave. We all have made the choice that mourning what should have been would be less painful than existing in what is.

 We all have had to find the little box we tucked our tattered dreams into, take them out, and lovingly unfold them to see what's left. We trim away the parts that are beyond repair, and build mosaics of our future from the broken pieces of the past.