should've could've would've
So, the last few days have been rough.
As much as I would like to brush off the past as a "should've could've would've" for me I need to sift through and really separate so I don't get lost in the should've.
I understand logically the would have been isn't pretty. I worked, and begged, and pleaded. I cut myself down into nothing. I sacrificed past the point of compromising myself.
The abuse would have continued. I would have continued to be isolated. I would have continued to have physical manifestations of the huge amounts of stress I was feeling. I would have slowly wilted and withered away.
Abusers love to keep you in the "could". He could change if I just did this. It could get better if I stopped doing that. You are gaslit into believing that they just need a little more. A little more love. A little more time. A little more of your patience, skills, or money. A little more of your self worth and they could be everything they promised you.
The thing with COULD is that it's potential energy. It's a Slinky sitting at the top of the stairs while you watch through the window. You KNOW all it would take is a tap. It's so obvious it's infuriating. The problem with potential energy is that it requires a release. You can have all the potential energy in the world but without that push over the edge it does absolutely nothing.
You can tap on the glass, yell and scream, wave your arms around... but still there it will sit. You're so close you can picture it all playing out. One nudge in the right direction. Instead they push the Slinky back and forth across the landing. Insisting that you asked for motion, and this is motion.
The should've is painful.
I should've never had to feel the sting of my niece saying "the teams are uneven" again.
I should've had a lifetime partner for car ride karaoke.
I should've never heard "it's cancer" and had my first thought be "how will I pull him through this?".
I should've had a partner who held my hand in the hospital and showed up to my chemo.
I should've had a partner that I could trust unequivocally.
I should've had a lifetime friend in him.
I should've been a priority.
I should've been loved.
It's honestly hard to not feel cheated sometimes. The things I wanted were not extravagant. But they were should've beens.
As much as I understand the would have was death. Maybe not directly at his hands, but slowly worn away by day after day in isolation. The could have been nags at me more often than I care to admit.
Could I have given more? Could I have done something differently? But without action, that nudge from him to put things in motion, they would never be more than musings.
As painful as it is to mourn what should have been, I keep reminding myself it is not what could have been or what would have been.
