social standards

One thing that always stood out to me was my ex's disregard for social standards. There are particular norms that we all follow for the most part. If there's a line, you join in back and wait patiently. If you use a shopping cart, you return it to the cart return. If you're in a movie theater you turn your cellphone ringer off. They're basic matters of respect and kindness towards those around us. And yet we always seemed to be arguing over them.

I distinctly remember one of the first arguments we ever had about this. I hadn't met any of his friends yet but I was going to the next time I visited. He had told me that he was hanging out with his friends and not to expect a prompt response or video chat that evening. I told him no problem and to have fun. But then he started posting pictures and videos of their evening out.

His friend was in full joker makeup adding deranged laughter to the mix. He was communicating only in a batman voice. 

Now I'm not hating on cosplayers. I actually really enjoy cosplay. I like the aspect of problem solving that goes into creating a costume. I like going to conventions to admire other's skills and creativity. And who hasn't wanted to be someone else for a few hours? Conventions hold all the excitement of Halloween, extended over a weekend. But there was no cosplay convention in town. This was a random weekday, and they were at the mall. I scrolled through and found they had gone out to eat as well. 

I watched the video they posted, and it made my stomach churn. The waitress was visibly uncomfortable as she served the entire table orders of french fries and chicken strips. The vibe was similar to that of a highschool theatre production's cast party at Dennys. 

 In my mind the very factors that make those cast parties ok (if not mildly annoying to the waitstaff) were the very factors that were lacking in this situation. They were being raucous and loud swearing up a storm. But they weren't 16. They were 26. And this wasn't 9pm on a Saturday at Denny's. This was 6pm on a Tuesday at Red Lobster. More importantly they refused to break character to interact with their waitress. 

That means either you have either made the choice to exploit a power differential or you are so self absorbed that you simply don't care how your actions affect others. I tried to convince myself that maybe he didn't understand the affect his actions were having. At best it's careless. At worst it's abusive. 

I was sick with worry.  How could I tell him that I couldn't participate in this? That I wouldn't disregard someone's boundaries for my entertainment. He was obviously proud of it. Or at least oblivious to it. He had posted it to his Facebook for everyone to see.

A couple days later, I brought it up in a video chat with just the two of us. I gently asked if that was a regular occurrence. He was immediately defensive "YES. we.were.having.FUN." I told him I understood but personally I would have been extremely uncomfortable in that situation, and if this was a regular occurrence with his friends I wasn't sure I'd fit in with them. I knew I was supposed to be meeting them next time I went down to visit him, and knew it wouldn't go well if this was the situation I was put in.

 That made him angry. It was the first of many times he would tell me I had no sense of humor. That I was boring. That I was trying to keep him from having fun, because I myself wasn't fun. That because he was "quirky" and "bullied" as a kid he was now allowed to behave as he pleased, and I was being discriminatory. He berated me for policing him when "I wasn't even there" and I was "controlling him" and he wasn't allowed to have fun unless it was to my standards.

I felt terrible. I thought he was right. I wasn't there and I didn't have any right to tell him how to have fun. Looking back now, that wasn't at all what I was doing. I saw a potential problem and alerted him to a boundary of mine so that he could respond accordingly. 

I didn't even fault him for his behavior. I just knew that had this happened with me in attendance it wouldn't play out as he wanted. I wouldn't be awed and impressed saying what a gift of entertainment he was providing to this small town Southern Indiana sea food consumers. I would have been extremely uncomfortable and quite frankly upset that he would choose to put me in that situation. I told myself it was a one off and that I was overreacting, but it wasn't.

Over time, a consistent, continued pattern of him interacting with people in service positions this way emerged. He viewed them as less than, and in need of his generous patronage both in terms of a (less than generous) tip and whatever joke, impersonation, or character he felt like displaying. If you didn't abide by this mentality he would be angry the rest of the day (We lost a whole afternoon in Disney World because Scrooge McDuck said his impersonation was so-so).

Only now as I'm writing this am I realizing that is very much how he viewed me. I was less than. I existed to serve him and I wasn't allowed to have boundaries to that. I was his personal service employee and the customer was always right. This "job" was 24/7. It was unpaid. There were no breaks. There was no "clock out" button. He would absolutely use you as a captive audience because you feel you have no other choice. The moment that decision is made, it becomes an abusive dynamic. 

Whether it be a retail employee, a sever, or romantic relationship, as long as you're expected to act within the guidelines (written or otherwise) that someone else has laid out for that position, you are unable to consent to that dynamic.