the smear campaign

I recieved this message from a young woman who I had met once. I honestly had to go to her profile to figure out who she was. I brought a tray of homemade cookies to her 21st birthday party and made conversation with her for less than 5 minutes. 

The post she's referring to was on a women's support group page.  It was supposed to be anonymous but I forgot to check a box to make sure it was. 

I initially chose to leave it as it was simple and honest. I explained that I had been through cancer and as a result I was wanting to move to be near my family. I felt it was a reasonable request but I had been told so many times that I was asking too much or being far too demanding. I just wanted an unbiased opinion. 

Now I admit I was angry at first. This person who knows NOTHING about me felt entitled to speak about my character. Everything she wrote was absolutely untrue.

I wanted to confront her and tell her how wrong she was. How he abandoned me during treatment while using it as an excuse for his poor behavior. How I had only told my diagnosis to those I absolutely couldn't hide it from because I didn't want to burden anyone. How I had been expected to be his emotional support during my treatment. 

I wanted to tell her she had no idea what she was talking about. I wanted to really let her have it. But that would only serve to prove her right.

The smear campaign is a tool of abuse. The abuser will tell these big dramatic stories about how terrible a person is. In my case, to the point you feel sorry for them having to deal with these people in the first place. 

The person being told these stories then goes on to re-tell these stories or even attack on behalf of the offender, effectively becoming a flying monkey (someone who acts on behalf of an abuser often without all the critical information) But more often than not, the one thing these people share is that the person being told these sordid tales doesn't know them.

After receiving this message I figured his smear campaign would be spread far and wide by now so there was no point in trying to hide. 

I had been going with him to a game night with a group of his friends once a week. We would have supper together, talk about our weeks, and play tabletop games together. I figured they deserved to know from me why I wouldn't be returning as I was certain he would have already told them how horrible I was.

Much to my surprise, when I contacted them to apologize for leaving so abruptly I was met with concern and caring. I was so confused why he hadn't even attempted to turn them against me. As one reassured me it was reasonable to want to be near my family after going through cancer another told me they had nothing but respect and admiration for my strength. 

It didn't make sense to me. Why would he not start with the people who knew me? I finally realized that was exactly why he didn't. They knew me. They saw how hard I fought. They saw how deeply I cared for those around me. They had gotten to know me well enough they wouldn't believe that I was a malicious, contemptuous person.

Abusers always try to control the flow of information. When we first got together there was a list of people who I was told to avoid because they hated him "for no reason". The top of that list was his brother.  

So at first I avoided him. I was told he was rude, unkind, selfish and manipulative. So why on earth would I want to interact with someone like that? However, there was one problem with that. 

Over time I started noticing his brother was the only one not participating in family drama. At the wedding he ran ahead to hold doors for me all day. He was the one to offer a hand for me to step down from the party bus. At birthday and Christmas celebrations he was polite and kind. He interacted genuinely with his nephew and enjoyed his family as long as they were being pleasant. 

Was this seriously the person who was so terrible my husband couldn't stand to be in his company? 

I started wondering if the story I had been told was as honest as I had once believed. If it wasn't, what was the truth? And why did he try to keep it from me? And what did that mean for the rest of those on the list to avoid?

The more I thought about the message the more I remembered that feeling of uncertainty. I had trusted him explicitly. Why would I not believe the person who told me they loved me and wanted to protect me? It kept bothering me so I unblocked her long enough to send a message.

(I've taken out their names for their privacy)

I realized that what he was doing to her was done to me and I went years before I figured it out. If I had lashed out I would prove myself to be exactly what he wanted to portray me as. I would have perpetuated the cycle. She would have no reason to doubt his word, and his story would be reinforced.

So how do you end the cycle if you find yourself in it? Well to be entirely honest you probably won't take it down immediately or single handedly. If you're being asked to hate someone you don't know on another's behalf, ask yourself why. If you see someone encouraging others to blindly come to their defense question why they want others to defend them. 

Abuse thrives on reaction. It's cyclical and the bigger the reaction the more fuel it adds to their fire. If you can, respond politely and thoughtfully. Give their flying monkey reason to doubt. If not keep your response short and plain. In DV circles it's called grey rocking (More on that later).

Most importantly if you find yourself the topic of a smear campaign, which is likely if you've left an abuser, RESPOND don't REACT.