a LONG weekend
My ex husband and I started off as long distance. He lived in Southern Indiana, I was in Central Illinois. It was about a 4 or 5 hour drive. Because of that, we didn't get to see each other unless one of us took a long weekend off of work and made the drive. Our first Christmas dating (about 6 months in) I gifted both him and my friend, (we'll call her Rose) tickets to a cosplay convention that happens in East Peoria every January.
Rose had moved halfway across the country and I was thrilled to see her again. I knew it would be a busy weekend and there would be a few last minute details (there always is with conventions) but I was excited to spend some time with the people I cared most about.
The weekend would rapidly devolve into a series of cascading disasters. It would become indicative of his need to be the center of attention no matter the event, and his efforts to isolate me from the voices of reason in my life. It would also become a marker for the exhaustion that accompanies being involved in a toxic relationship.
THURSDAY
I had taken the entire weekend off for the convention. If you’ve ever worked retail you know that a full weekend off comes few and far between. And usually with the promise of working every weekend in the foreseeable future. I had even requested to open on Thursday since everyone would be getting into town and I wanted to spend as much time together as possible.
Ex and Rose had known each other before I was in either of their lives. He picked her up and they met me at the mall to pick me up from work. I was excited to meet up with them and went to clock out. I came out still in uniform and he immediately swept me into a dramatic kiss. Everyone (myself included) was taken off guard. I quickly shooed us all from the store and quietly explained that I was excited to see him but I wasn't very comfortable with that level of physical affection not only in my place of work, but also in a children's store.
That was a mistake.
He was instantly moody but I tried to push forward with our plan to go to lunch together. We were all on fairly tight budgets at the time but I had a gift card for Longhorn Steakhouse that would cover most of a meal for 3. He insisted on driving despite being the only one unfamiliar with the area. He drove recklessly to the point both Rose and I asked him to be more cautious in the 15min drive to the restaurant.
He was not a great driver to begin with but would intentionally drive recklessly as a form of abuse. He would often intentionally swerve or brake hard then laugh at me if I gasped or grabbed the seat. It was my punishment for disagreeing with him.
Once we were seated at our booth, we settled in and started talking about the exciting weekend ahead. Rose and I hadn't seen each other in about six months and were looking forward to spending time together. Everything seemed to be smoothed over until our food arrived.
As we told our waitress that everything looks correct and thanked her in advance for the refills she said she would bring, I looked to my ex who is making faces at his cheeseburger and had a tomato slice dangling between his thumb and forefinger before flicking it to land with a wet plop on the polished hardwood tabletop. Rose recovered from her shock before me "What are you doing?"
"I DONT WANT THIS STUFF!" He shot back immediately defensive as his lettuce and onion landed in the pile of discarded produce.
"Then why didn't you order it that way?" I pleaded in hushed tones "Or set them aside on your plate? Or..." I started scooping the toppings into my hands.
"I SAID I DONT WANT IT" he snapped as my hand crossed his plate.
"Okay. Okay." I was barely whispering as I peeled a dripping pickle slice from the table and onto my plate. We finished the meal in stark silence.
I had no idea what set him off in that moment. I was bewildered and confused thinking I must have done something wrong. I realize now that because the focus wasn't entirely on him, he felt the need to MAKE it about him.
It came time to drive back to my parents house. Rose and I both offered to drive as my ex was still very emotional and we were familiar with the area. He adamantly refused. He drove without caution and without thought to potential consequences. I tried talking him down to no avail. When I suggested an alternate route that would avoid cutting through the middle of town near the end of the work day, he snapped that the GPS was working just fine.
Again. I was confused and upset thinking I must have done something wrong. This was ABSOLUTELY a punishment for calling him out on his behavior. He would make a habit of punishing me either through verbal or more often covert physical abuse. It would get to the point that I was afraid to tell him if something was inappropriate for fear of the punishment that would follow.
We arrived at my parent's house with plans to meet up with Rose's fiance. They were in the middle of wedding planning and had invited us to attend their tasting for their wedding meal. My ex was still making his poor mood known as we walked into the house.
Mom greeted us and instantly knew something was off. Ex started complaining that he had a splitting migraine and just wasn't quite himself. Rose and I exchanged confused looks behind my mom's back as he prattled on about crippling symptoms that had mysteriously appeared upon our arrival. I asked my mom if he could use some of my parent's excedrin as I didn't have any on me. He jumped at the opportunity.
As I grabbed the pills from the cabinet he said it was so bad that he was going to take four. I asked him I'd he did that often as it was double the dosage. (I was also fairly confident that he was faking.) My mom had left the room and so he snapped that it was just fine. Rose was working for a pharmaceutical education company and offered that she had just edited a presentation on the effects of overdosing NSAID pain relievers and that they can be extremely harmful if used improperly. He rolled his eyes and called us both names under his breath. I suggested he take 2 now and I would grab him a couple additional doses in case he needed them later. He begrudgingly agreed.
Rose's fiancé (we'll call him Carl) arrived before my ex had a chance to take the pills, and his attitude instantly flipped. He was bright and jovial. I was beginning to feel emotional whiplash from the wild swings in personality. We talked for a little while until it was time to leave for their wedding tasting that we were squeezing in. Rose and her fiancé hopped in his car. I asked my ex if his head was feeling better as he seemed to be having a good time. He looked me dead in the face, scowled, and without a word popped all 6 excedrin in his mouth, and swallowed with a haughty smirk.
I was in shock. He chose to do this when we were alone. What was I supposed to do now? Go back and tell my mom that my boyfriend of 6 months just intentionally poisoned himself? Ruin my best friend's wedding menu tasting by telling her? My panic gave way to anger as we reached the venue.
As we met up again with Rose and Carl, his demeanor flipped once more. He began trying to guide me by the elbow across an icy patch in the parking lot. When we were shown to our table and Rose's fiance pulled out her chair, he scrambled to do the same for me. He kept insisting on holding my hand and resting his head on my shoulder. I was exhausted and irritated. He kept insisting he had no idea why I was being so distant.
I tried to keep my composure throughout the tasting despite him balking loudly at some of the selections. As the tasting came to a close, we decided to make a run to the craft store afterwards to get supplies for a last minute addition to Carl's cosplay.
Once at the craft store I had Rose and Carl go look for a bolt of cotton the right color while my ex and I found a pattern for the vest. As I sat down at the table and flopped open one of the thick pattern books my ex began complaining.
"You're really gonna let her do this to you?"
"Huh? Do what?"
"USE you like this!"
"It's not a huge deal. It's a vest. Should only take a few hours."
"I'm just saying a real friend wouldn't pile this on you. Make you do all the work"
"Just help me find a pattern please?"
"I don't know how. These books are too complicated."
"Just find a picture of a vest. Please. I'll do the rest"
Rose and Carl came back with a bolt of fabric and as we walked towards the cutting table I asked if we needed anything else as I skimmed the back of the pattern to know how much fabric to request be cut from the bolt. Rose asked if I would have time to also make a satchel for Carl's cosplay. My ex sniffed and shot me a glance that said "told you so" I didn't understand why he was making such a big fuss.
"No. Sorry babe. I have a leather bag he can use, but I just don't have time to make both." I explained.
"That works! Just thought I'd ask!"
A cornerstone of my relationship with Rose is that either of us can say no, and have the choice be respected without consequence. I shrugged it off thinking Rose may have slightly underestimated the work required to make a vest, my ex was overestimating, and it wasn't significant enough to correct either of them. I thought he was trying to watch out for me and keep me from stressing.
In reality he was planting seeds of doubt that would lead to my isolation.
We headed back to my parent's house so I could work on the vest. The four of us sat in the spare bedroom that housed the sewing machine. I worked on cutting sewing and pressing the vest. The entire time Rose, Carl and myself were talking, laughing and generally enjoying each other's company. Ex sat with his back against the wall and his head in his phone. All three of us tried to involve him to no avail.
In his mind lunch has been about Rose, supper about her and Carl. The craft store and now this vest about Carl. And he was MAD. He kept sulking in his phone, occasionally shooting a dirty look or sighing heavily if we were having too much fun.
At one point my ex went to the bathroom and Rose stashed his phone in the closet as a prank. We were all tired of him refusing to interact and it seemed like a playful opportunity to get him talking. He got back and immediately started laying into Rose saying it wasn't funny and we were all being cruel. I hurried to get him his phone. I didn't want him starting a screaming match with my parents just downstairs. I finished the vest and we headed back to my apartment before the convention the next day.
FRIDAY
Friday was the first day of the convention. We were all excited to spend some time with each other. My ex and myself were planning on going as the couple from UP. I had organized everything for his costume and bought him the pieces he didn't have. We were about to leave for the convention when he asked what I was going to do for balloons. He complained that people wouldn't know who he was without a bundle of balloons.
I scrambled to fix it. There were no party stores near the convention center, it had been snowing, and he insisted on driving despite being unfamiliar with the area. Normally you have to order balloons in advance if you want them filled. I could get a helium tank but they run $30-$50 and then balloons and string. If I did that I would likely burn through my entire entire budget for the weekend for a few hours of him having balloons. I offered my possible solutions but it wasn't enough.
I should've ANTICIPATED he would want balloons. He made me feel stupid for not KNOWING and PLANNING in advance. OF COURSE he needed balloons. I scrambled trying to come up with another solution while he sat in the cosplay I had provided and scoffed at my lack of follow through. We drove to meet meet Rose and her fiance at the convention center. Him grumbling and refusing to interact with me the whole way.
As we walked into the hotel lobby and approached our friends his attitude flipped again. "Hey this is awesome! You guys look great! Sorry we ran late, she was trying to figure out balloons for us!"
I went from stunned to sad to angry to numb in a matter of seconds.
I withdrew, folding in on myself. As we sat talking, another cosplayer walked up to address my ex.
"Hey are you dressed as ____ from (video game)?"
I wanted to disappear. I braced for an explosion. He spent all that time mad about balloons because he didn't want to be mistaken for another character and now that he had, surely there would be hell to pay. To my utter disbelief he chuckled softly and gently corrected her, motioning towards me and saying "Adventure's out there".
After that he went straight back to sulking in his phone. The rest of the evening he spent short bursts engaging with the group but it was mostly for the benefit of strangers. I felt like a prop, and I was being used as one.
As the evening drew to a close Rose and Carl came back to spend the night in my apartment since we would be going back to the convention early the next day. We watched a couple movies, talked and spent some time together before heading to bed. Everything seemed fine for the time being.
SATURDAY
Saturday morning was a bit hectic. Rose's younger sister and a few of her friends were joining us for the convention and planned on joining us for a big group costume with some of the popular characters from My Little Pony. We were supposed to meet them at Rose's parent's house a few hours before the convention to help them get ready.
My ex was refusing to get out of bed (he had terrible sleep apnea). Everyone else got ready, allowing him to sleep in as long as possible. I tried again to wake him up and when I came out looking defeated Rose walked purposfully to the kitchen, grabbed a handful of ice and promptly shoved it down his shirt. He LOST IT. He started yelling but was quickly discouraged by Carl's presence.
He stomped off to the shower where he made it clear he was in no rush, despite our pleas that we were already late. Carl kindly offered to drive us to meet the rest of the group then come back for Ex. I thanked him and apologized profusely for my ex's behavior.
Rose and I divided the leftover work and started in adjusting wigs and applying cutie marks. We got a moment alone and she asked what had been going on with my ex. I told her I didn't know. Maybe it was just several "off" days in a row but I was getting tired of it too.
Unbenounced to me at the time Carl had taken Ex to breakfast for a one on one chat. From my understanding of what transpired Carl told Ex that he was lucky to have gotten the opportunity to be with me and he was ACTIVELY losing that privilege due to his behavior. My ex acted as if this was entirely new information and he had NO idea how his behavior was being construed as anything but loving and devoted.
When the guys came to pick us up for the convention he was a changed man. (I know this because he told me that he was.) I was cautiously optimistic. He said he understood my frustration and wanted to do better. He wanted to build a life with me. I tried to shake the events of the past few days and salvage the rest of the weekend.
The new man lasted about an hour into the convention. We were spending time as a big group Ex, myself, Carl, Rose, Rose's sister, and their friends. Rose's sister and her friends were all around 17 or 18 so they didn't need constant monitoring, but we enjoyed each other's company. But he kept muttering about "babysitting" and "ruined my weekend".
When we decided to break off his mood didn't improve. He continued to be sullen and irritated. He kept to one and two word answers, kept his head in his phone, muttered under his breath, and continually acted like a spoiled child.
I was getting annoyed with his behavior and Rose could tell, so she pulled me aside.
"Hey. What's goin on?"
"I don't even know. He's not happy with anything. I'm starting to wish he hadn't come! I'm so tired of this. I can't do this long-term. I just can't!"
"So you're wanting to break up with him?"
"Maybe? Probably... I'm notsure..."
"Ok. You don't have to decide now. Just hang close to us."
"Thanks dear."
The next 15 minutes were full of him all but hanging on me. I don't mind some public affection but this was extreme. He held my hand in both of his and never let me stray more than about 6 inches from his side. He repeatedly placed his hand at the nape of my neck despite my efforts to shrug it off. In response he moved his hand to my waist, not guiding so much as gripping. He professed his love loudly to me and anyone in the vicinity that would listen.
At one point I ducked into the bathroom just for a few seconds to myself. In that time he pestered Rose until she caved and told him I was considering breaking up. As we headed to the karaoke room he again refused to leave my side. As we crossed the skywalk he cornered me just to the side of the busy hallway "ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME?!? TELL ME! TELL ME NOW! IF YOU ARE I'M GONNA LEAVE FOR INDIANA RIGHT NOW!"
I was embarrassed that he was making a scene and flustered from being put on the spot. It was already late in the evening. If he drove home now he'd be emotional and tired, and stuck diving into the early hours of the morning.
With his erratic behavior I didn't feel safe to call it quits then and there. I seriously thought he might hurt himself if I did. I told him I wasn't going to but I was tired of this behavior and if I didn't see a turn around soon I would follow through on the breakup.
He insisted I wouldn't regret it. We went into karaoke where he dedicated a song to me. I spent all three and a half minutes thinking with how much of the human body is water maybe I could just WILL myself to evaporate into thin air.
On the way back to the apartment that night, he insisted the day was a slip up and tomorrow would be better. I was emotionally exhausted didn't want to spend the evening arguing especially while hosting Rose and Carl. So I nodded tried to put the day's events behind me.
The evening again was fine. We were all tired so we just spent some time hanging out before we turned in for the night.
SUNDAY
Sunday was the final day of the convention. I was under the gun trying to sew buttons onto Carl's cosplay. Again my ex was refusing to get up. I told Rose and Carl to go ahead and start getting ready and I would be done with the vest by the time they needed it.
I warned them that the water heater in my apartment was notorious for running out halfway through the second shower. It also took forever to get back to an acceptable temperature, so whoever went first might want to be quick if they both wanted hot water. Rose asked "What about you?"
"I mean... I don't know. I'll figure something out"
"Carl and I will shower together. We have before. That way you and Ex can do the same and everyone gets a hot shower"
"Thanks babe I appreciate it"
They finished getting ready and I rigged the vest to hold for the day. They needed some last minute makeup for Carl so I told them to go ahead and Ex and I would meet up with them at the convention.
Finally Ex got up and moving and came down to the kitchen where I had been working on the vest. I explained the shower situation and started following him up the stairs to the bathroom. He turned around on the stairs and pulled a face. I asked him if something was wrong.
"Wrong?! THAT'S DISGUSTING!"
"What? Why? It's just so we both can get a hot shower?"
"No! That's so... ugh. It's so gross. WHY would I shower with you?!?"
"I just thought it would be nice to..."
"No. You thought we could be like Rose. Always wanting to copy Rose. Rose. Rose. ROSE! Always Rose!"
"OK! Ok. Sorry. Could I get in and out real quick since I need to do my makeup?"
"NO."
"...Okay, well can you please be quick so I can have some hot water too?"
*slams bathroom door in my face*
He took a long shower that used all of the hot water.
I set out and prepped my cosplay while he showered. All the while wrestling with the thought that my boyfriend was so repulsed at the thought of showering together for 10 minutes, that he exploded on me. I kept my distance until he was clear of the bathroom.
I took the most uncomfortable shower of my life, darting in and out of the freezing water. All the while frustration building that he couldn't be bothered to shower quickly out of consideration for the woman he said he loved; that he said he wanted to marry. It was such a small ask. I just wanted enough hot water to wash my hair.
On the way to the convention I couldn't even hide my frustration. I sat quietly staring blankly at the road ahead. Somewhere in the 20min drive he realized he messed up. He started trying to flirt but I told him I wasn't feeling particularly attractive at the moment.
We met up with Rose and Carl at the convention center again. I was exhausted and grateful for the distraction the convention provided. I decided the best course of action was to make myself small. I barely spoke. I moved through the day in a fog; wondering if he didn't notice or simply didn't care that the light of excitement for this time with the people I cared most about had effectively been snuffed out. All I had wanted was a fun weekend with my friends and my boyfriend.
I continued through the day in the haze of emotions. We walked through artist alley and he mused over what sword he wanted to buy for himself. When I didn't express the proper level of enthusiasm he changed gears and started trying to interest me in a Lord of the Rings necklace. I told him I hadn't seen the movies or read the books so I'd rather he not spend his money on it.
I walked ahead to meet up with Rose and her fiance. I was browsing through another table when he caught up to me. He pulled me to the front of the ballroom being used for artists and presented me with a necklace and earrings.
Now I'll give him it was from a show I actually followed. But he proudly announced he had spent $25 but "nothing's too good for my girl". It made me feel weird and indebted to him. I had spent far more on his cosplay pieces, convention tickets, and food, but I never told him as I simply wanted him to enjoy the gifts and experiences. It also made me feel like in his mind my perceived value was around $25.
I thanked him for his thoughtfulness and he demanded a picture together. The only picture I would get that weekend.
The kiss took me off guard and was very public. I was confused and exhausted and ready for the weekend to be over.
Now why bother with this story?
It's exhausting to read I'm sure. But it was exhausting to live. All of this happened in just three and a half days.
Think for a moment what it would be like to LIVE like this for a week. A month. A year. It's no wonder it made me physically sick.
I constantly felt like I was running behind him. Putting out fires he started. It became my job because someone had to put them out. Someone had to fix it. And in running so hard after him, I was leaving behind those who tried to speak reason and wisdom into my life.
He always managed to sink his claws in and destroy the things I cared most about. If I was passionate about something, it was only a matter of time before he twisted it into something I couldn't tolerate.
Being around the person you love shouldn't exhaust you. It shouldn't make you go numb inside to the point your brain is at once both screaming for any sort of feedback and also completely blacked out.
Abusers will ALWAYS seek to isolate you. They will ALWAYS ruin the things that are special to you. This weekend was just a two for one special.
