sorry not sorry
In kindergarten I was admittedly a teacher's pet. My teacher was known for being firm and structured and I THRIVED in that environment (it's almost like even small people with anxiety do better when they have structures and routines that they can count on 🤔😜). Unfortunately most 5 year olds are not structured by nature. I had a run in with a boy in my class. He stepped on my foot and then made no move to apologize until it was forced by our teacher. His weak and forced apology frustrated me to the point I went to put my hands on him. My actions were less than gracious I admit, but I do maintain that an insincere apology is worse than no apology at all.
Living with an abuser, insincere is the only type of apology offered. They seem to fall into four major categories. The snarky, "sorry not sorry" apology, the justification, word salad, and the downplay/gaslight combination.
The first one is said out of anger. SORRY! and I'm sorry are two different beasts.
Nobody would read that and genuinely believe he was apologetic. This was a regular occurrence that he would sarcastically apologize in the moment, then later when I would say "hey we never resolved ____" he would get angry saying that he said he was sorry and now I was just nagging or looking for a fight. If the words say I'm sorry but the tone doesn't match, that is not a genuine apology.
The next is probably the most common, and not exclusive to abusers. "I'm sorry." Is an apology. "I'm sorry but," is a justification. You're effectively telling the other person that whatever they feel is invalid because your thoughts and feelings on the matter take precedence.
You do not get to decide whether or not you hurt someone else. You can absolutely bring your own hurts to them but the middle of an apology is not the time to do it.
The next type of apology is word salad. Basically it boils down to just continually talking about anything and everything in the hope that something will stick. They pull snippets from different conversations and mash them together into a Frankenstein-ed apology.
At first I thought these were all thinks weighing on him. But as time went by, it became apparent he was never really sure why I was upset and so he just apologized for everything.
The last type of apology always left me feeling like I was insane. After a lot of research I've realized it's pretty common in domestic abuse situations. They'll use a combination of downplaying the event, then gaslighting by means of rewriting history.
This is the conversation following him putting his hands on me.
He had rewritten his cafe persona to be a merman. I had previously suggested he learn a Beach Boys song "Do You Wanna Dance?" as it would go with his new persona as well as the usual pop genre used in maid cafes. He had told me in the moment that my idea was ridiculous and mocked me for knowing nothing about maid cafes despite the fact I had done a fair amount to try to learn about something he enjoyed.
Normally this was the point he would say something cute and I would sigh and forgive him. He was then free to do as he pleased until the lack of resolve compiled onto the next event. This time I needed more than a cute sentence and no real answer for what had occurred.
His response was to downplay and rewrite.
He wasn't desperate. He was angry. It didn't come across as physical intimidation. It was physical violence. This apology honestly only made me more angry. When I didn't respond he followed up with some more word salad.
I only realized in the past couple of weeks that he never actually took responsibility or apologized for physically putting me in danger. In most of his "apologies" the responsibility was pushed back onto me to find a solution "What do you want from me!?" "I don't know what you want!" Ironically it gave me a lot of time to think on just that.
So this then begs the question what IS a real apology, and what does that look like? I think it varies a bit from person to person, but I think there are some universal aspects that make good anchor points.
Wait until you've cooled down, but don't wait forever. I'm definitely more prone to justifications when I'm actively hurting. Walking away might be the best choice for the moment. The other part is the part I struggle with most and is arguably the more important part. Set a time limit. "I'm not in the right headspace to discuss this. I'll check back in ___ minutes. I need some time to myself."
Name the emotion and check in that is in fact what they're experiencing. "I'm hearing that you feel (sad, angry, hurt, scared, invalidated). Is that correct?" Sometimes people just want their emotions to be understood.
Take responsibility for your part "I'm sorry that (action I did) made you feel (established emotion)". There's no need to take responsibility for more than your part, but it is important to recognize when you've messed up; especially if you plan on spending your lives together.
Offer a possible solution and open the floor to any they have to offer. "Would it help if in the future I _____?" "Is there something I can do to prevent this in the future? If you think of something, please let me know so we can talk about it"
These aren't end all be all solutions and I'm still working on implementing them. It's really difficult to get back into a healthy mindset surrounding conflict even with the people I love. I'm not perfect by a long shot. Neither are the people I love. But I do think in loving relationships it's important that both parties actively work toward learning how to love each other better, even in the midst of conflict.
