the "I don't know" of mass destruction

Initially it wasn't obvious. I thought maybe nobody had taken the time to teach basic life skills, and his ADHD was preventing him from finding a place to start. It was a little strange and a bit frustrating that he didn't know how to do laundry or make a basic meal or pick up after himself but I couldn't really be upset for something he didn't know... right?

I thought if I could instill some confidence in him, maybe we could start working toward sharing the work load at home. I was struggling to keep the same hours he worked as well as tracking our finances, making supper every night (he refused to eat leftovers), doing the grocery shopping, laundry, and all of the housework. 

I thought I could teach him his favorite meal. It was a simple chicken taco and required minimal prep work. I asked if he could help me by chopping some herbs while I gathered the other ingredients. He sat at the empty table and just stared at me. I apologized and grabbed him a cutting board and a knife.

A few seconds later I looked over to talk to him. His hand was splayed across the cutting board and he was using the knife like an axe, swinging it with force. I quickly interrupted saying I'm sorry but this isn't safe. 

I showed him how to hold the herbs in a tight bundle and curl his hand into a claw to avoid cutting his fingertips. I explained the knife was sharp enough there was no need for force, and demonstrated a few small slices. I handed the knife back and told him to go for it, I just wanted him to be safe. 

He laughed at me and said you mean like this? And proceeded to chop even more erratically. I shouted for him to stop, that he was going to hurt himself. He tossed the knife aside, told me I had no sense of humor and if I was going to bitch about how he did things I should just do them myself. 

From that point on food prep was entirely my responsibility. He refused to attempt, insisting he would mess up.

This was repeated in variations with every chore. It was "too confusing" to sort laundry and what was the point in scrubbing the toilet if you're just going to use it again.

What I experienced was a version of an abusive behavior that has largely been deemed acceptable by society. Weaponized incompetence is generally doing a task (usually a care task) so poorly that your partner feels they have to be the one to do it. Never bothering to learn the care task, or even asking your partner a ton of questions about how to accomplish this task. 

In my situation it looked like the one poor attempt at part of dinner. It looked like me explaining I just sort laundry into dark, light, and bright loads and being told to go relax and read in the bath, only to be interrupted every few pieces of laundry asking "Is this dark enough to be dark?" It looked like him sitting on the couch while I cleaned up maggots because he didn't know "please handle the trash before we leave for vacation" meant taking to the dumpster.

You see it more often than you may realize. There was a tiktok of a mom who was "gifted" a shower while her husband looked after their baby. She came back to her husband sound asleep with the baby just sitting on their bed. The "amusing" story of the woman who resorted to printing pictures of the grocery items for her husband to take to the store. The "funny" segments on late night TV where fathers fail to answer basic questions about their kids such as their birthday, their age or their allergies.

Weaponized incompetence is a more passive form of abuse but it is abusive all the same. These tasks need to happen and often need to happen on a regular basis. The partner who has been accomplishing these tasks ends up first having to fix the task at hand (taking their time and energy). 

Then they are left with two options. The first being to attempt to teach their partner how to do these basic care tasks, with the understanding that they might not be willing, may still require constant direction, or may want praise and recognition for their efforts every time they put effort into a basic care task (again taking their partner's mental time and energy). The other option is to give in and shoulder the responsibility of that task for the foreseeable future (taking both physical and mental time and energy). 

In my case he pushed this narrative that I was so particular about the way things needed done that he couldn't possibly learn. His short comings weren't his fault because he didn't KNOW how things were supposed to be done. In the moment I believed I was incredibly picky because I wanted the toilet scrubbed once a week and preferred to let my bras air dry. It was absolutely used as another form of gaslighting that was used to make me doubt myself. 

Even as I got sick it continued. It kept getting worse because I was too sick to keep up. During my treatment I had been staying with my parents in their apartment. I had asked him to please keep our apartment clean as I would be back during the times I felt able to care for myself, but would still be immunocompromised. 

My parents offered to take me with them to see my family in NC and visit my best friend who was only a few hours away from them. I had agreed it would be a good change of pace. He came for a short visit before I left,  and bragged how the apartment was spotless. I praised him for his efforts. A couple days after I wanted to swing by my apartment to grab a duffel bag and a few pieces of clothing. My dad was with me and offered to come in so I didn't have to haul a duffel down the stairs on my own. 

I walked in to a half eaten pizza still in the box on the table and an overflowing garbage can. I was embarrassed as I walked into our room and found dirty clothes and crumbs littered across the floor. There were 6 or 7 two liter soda bottles on the floor and a pile of trash literally hip high. I was upset he hadn't done the one thing asked but was incredibly angry that he had lied to me.

The conversation didn't go well. (He's on the left and I've blocked out his friends' names for their privacy)

This is ABSOLUTELY gaslighting by way of weaponized incompetence. "I'm sorry there was clutter" "I'm sorry you saw that" but no real attempt to own the fact that he lied and was caught. 

We live in a technology rich world. The excuses and complaints and I don't know how's simply don't hold any weight. There are literally thousands of resources only a search engine away. 

So how do you prevent it? I would start with clear expectations if I do ABC I need you to handle XYZ. If they balk at the idea of these expectations, or claim they can't contribute because they don't know how, you might need to start setting boundaries to prevent burn out.