she made her choice

"He won't stop. He'll do it again. Find someone new. Younger. More naive. Less connected. Someone he can isolate"

I hate being right sometimes... I said this the day the divorce was finalized. And that's exactly what is happening.

I hadn't looked in a long time. I couldn't do anything about it. It wouldn't serve any purpose. But then...

I shouldn't have looked. But I did. 

Turns out knowing conceptually that he would destroy another's life is a very different beast from seeing her face and knowing her name. Seeing how he is using the same tactics nearly verbatim. And knowing exactly how those tactics will turn on her.

Their wedding website was fair game. And her story is heartbreaking to read through my eyes.

She wasn't interested in a serious relationship. Now she's preparing to move halfway across the country to him. He told her "when you know you know". He said it to me too. When you want to believe the best in people, and someone stands in front of you saying they're in love and they're confident you're "the one" it never crosses your mind they might not mean it.

This whole thing read as one big red flag for me. 

They got engaged in August and it states they've been dating a year. Assuming this was written around the time of the engagement, that would mean that they started dating last summer. I understand everyone moves at their own pace but that would mean they were dating 5 months after the divorce was finalized, and both accounts state they had only talked for a few days.

 The first few days and even weeks are unbelievable. For the first time ever I was getting good morning and good night texts. For the first time I felt genuinely wanted. I was being told that he wanted all the same things out of life that I did, that I was everything he ever wanted. I was his dream come true. I was his angel. His queen.

Mind you, I'm not being metaphorical.

That was the nickname he set for himself on our messenger chat.

So when I saw how they decided to theme their bridal party... my stomach knotted.

 I decided to go back to Google and see what else I could find. I was already this far down the rabbit hole...

I found a wedding registry for Disney World. The same thing we did for our honeymoon. It included a request for funds towards two specific restaurants. One my family introduced him to, the other, a Beauty and the Beast restaurant that he insisted be a "date night" within our honeymoon since its my favorite movie. I know Disney a popular choice, and those are two of the better restaurants in the park, but taking your new spouse on the exact same honeymoon as your ex wife, just 4 years apart feels a bit odd. 

I almost chuckled at him reusing so many aspects of our relationship. Then I decided to search her name on the off chance something wasn't blocked. But when I found her profile picture, it wasn't funny anymore.

I immediately felt lightheaded and nauseated. My heart dropped into my stomach.He got those couples vests for us. I obviously can't know for sure if he gave her the vest, but I CAN tell you I left that EXACT vest (that was released in 2019 and is no longer available), size XL, in the apartment we shared in Indiana. 

I could care less about the vest. I didn't know the character and it wouldn't fit anyway. But the fact he intentionally chose to either re-gift or at bare minimum chose to dress up in a coordinating couples outfit that he originally bought for me feels disturbing. 

I turned my phone off and sat on my bed.. Stunned. Angry. Worried. Sad.

It felt like watching my younger self through one way glass. Wanting to scream. To pound on the window pane. Wanting to throw myself between them to save her. Shield her with the armor he forced me to build. Wanting to fight the battle I see looming for her, but helplessly stuck behind the glass. Doomed to watch it unfold where nobody can hear my screams of protest.

I wanted to scream for her to turn around and run. I know she wouldn't listen even if she could hear. I wanted to scream in a way that was gutteral and primal to warn her of the danger she hasn't yet seen. Instead, tears came. 

Tears of mourning for the girl she is now that she never will be again after him. 

Tears for the girl I was before him. 

Tears of boiling anger for his lack of accountability. 

Tears of bitterness that he was able to move on so easily when I am only now considering the possibility of dating, unsure of how and when to have the cancer and abuse discussions.

Tears of justification for all the times I told him "I feel like anyone could take my place" "I feel like you want a cardboard cutout" "I feel like you love the IDEA of a wife but you don't love ME" and was told I was rude, unkind or crazy. 

Tears of relief that I got out. 

Tears or worry that she won't.

Tears of guilt that in choosing to save myself, I couldn't protect her from him.

When I went to my friends to try to wade through my feelings I was met with a lot of "She's an adult" and "She made her choice".  I know what they meant. They meant "Don't dwell on it" They meant "don't let this discourage you" I knew that. But I still got snippy. "Would you say that about me? That I'm an adult? That I made my choice and so be it?" "No? Then don't say it about her." 

It was so painful to hear the words I repeated to myself the countless times I locked myself in the bathroom. I would sit with my back pressed to the door trying to muffle the sound of his fists on the particleboard. Telling myself "you chose this" "you should be able to handle this". Waiting, listening, trying to figure out when it was safe to come out, trying to not cry too loudly as it would only make him more angry.

 The thing about narcissistic abusers is that there are no informed decisions. They will do anything to keep you from knowing the entirety of any situation they're involved in. Of course she doesn't know the full story. If she did, she'd have run for the hills. 

I cannot and will not blame her or shame her for making decisions based on the information she has available. 

Even as I write this I realize I'm not 100% sure if the girl I feel this dire need to rescue is her, or if I'm trying to rescue me from 5 years ago. I think it's some of both? And if I can't blame her for not seeing the danger in front of her, maybe it's time I try to forgive myself for not seeing it either.