history rewritten
Because this blog is first and foremost for my own processing and healing, my subjects can seem a bit scatter-brained. I have a list of topics I want to cover, but sometimes something pops up that overrides the list.
That's exactly what happened this week. I went back to get a better screen shot of a conversation I was going to use, and realized his entire portion of the conversation was missing. For reference this is what the conversation started as.
This is what it looks like now.
Gaslighting is a term that tends to get thrown around so let me be clear. When I say gaslight, I'm specifically referring to anything said or done by an abuser to make their target doubt their own reality or knowledge base. It can be done by rewriting or reframing history, convincing the victim they are mentally unfit or unstable, a straight out lie, scapegoating, dog whistling, or coercion.
For my purposes let's focus on history revision for now. His erasure of his chat history is the most blatant example of gaslighting via history revision I could ask for. Literally going to the length of erasing messages to me, my best friend, and my parents. He even deleted his old Facebook and created a new one with a much smaller friends list to avoid being called out. He effectively created his own echo chamber. The thought being "if the messages don't exist then they never happened".
While his message was correct I can't read his mind. I got very talented at reading his motivations and anticipating his actions. I had to for my safety. Usually the gaslighting is significantly more subtle.
It's telling his friends "she threw a fit" when in reality you had asked for his help more times than you can count and the last time asking you were a bit terse.
It's "I NEVER said that" minutes after it was said. (He insisted he never said "I hate you" but that's not something you forget your spouse screaming inches from your face)
"It wasn't like THAT."
"You aren't remembering that right"
"That's not how I meant it"
"You're crazy"
"You're making a big deal out of nothing"
A perhaps more disturbing example happened surrounding the death of his grandmother. I didn't get much time with her but I genuinely enjoyed Grandma C. She loved her family fiercely. She was kind but kept a healthy amount of sass, and accepted no nonsense. She was incredibly generous.
She never had anything extravagant, but anything she did have, she was willing and excited to share. When she heard that the wrap I had picked to go over my wedding dress needed a brooch or a pin she popped up from her seat and a couple minutes later came back holding one. She shrugged, sheepishly offering "It's not expensive, but it is old... and borrowed".
She honestly accepted me as family and it meant the world to me that she did.
My ex's relationship with her always made me a little uneasy. She was in her late 70's and needed a cane to get around well. He was constantly making fun of her for her age and mobility problems.
He made fun of her for needing a motor scooter while they were in Disney World (my last trip I logged 25,000 steps in a day). I commented that it was a lot of walking for anyone with two good legs and theres a reason why power chairs are readily available. He ignored me and continued to imitate and mock her attempts to get through a crowd.
One of the first times meeting her, my ex had asked her to take us out to lunch. We got to her apartment and she was obviously struggling to get her shoes on. I tapped his arm and looked pointedly at the shoes hoping he would get the hint. Grandma C finally caved and asked for his help. I was mildly annoyed that he had allowed her to struggle but thought surely he had just been distracted. I was so wrong.
"I'm not messing with those f*&king ugly, old smelly shoes" was the response she got. I know my mouth popped open. I asked if she would mind if I was the one to help her with her shoes. I remember my hands shaking as I tied up the laces. I kept my head down while I wiggled her other foot in. I didn't want either of them to see my face. I was embarrassed by his behavior. I disappointed and confused why he would allow his own grandmother to struggle and then refuse to help. But I wouldn't call him out and embarrass him in front of his family.
She got sick during my treatment, like really sick. She had gotten an infection that got out of control fast. She was being transferred to hospice as I was finishing my treatment, and passed in February 2020. We made it through the funeral alright but the first major argument following it was strange.
I don't even remember what the argument was about. I had asked for an explanation for his behavior. He immediately broke down into crocodile tears. He wailed that he missed his grandmother so much. That they had such a special intimate bond. He cried that she was the only person in his family who loved him.
A couple months later, after he had been physical with me, it was brought up again. I had been staying in my parent's apartment for a few days because the abuse had been ramping up again. He begged for me to come home. When I asked why he told me he was incredibly depressed. He missed his grandma and wanted me to go with to her gravesite.
It made me uncomfortable. I turned him down saying I thought it best he had some quiet time alone with her. He proceeded to go buy a bouquet and take it to her grave. He posted a picture of it on Facebook with a caption saying how he had "brightened up" the place but not mentioning the overwhelming sorrow he told me he felt, or anything about Grandma C's life. It was a way to garner attention and sympathy while keeping the focus on him.
The whole thing felt performative and forced. I understand everyone grieves in their own way but I had seen this before after his great grandpa passed. I never met his Pawpaw and so I had assumed up until now that his emotions were genuine, but now I had questions.
Questions like:
If his bond with Grandma was so special why would he not help her?
How could you mourn someone so deeply in death when you didn't appreciate them in life?
If she was the only one who loved him why didn't he know what hospice was caring for her?
Why did he only seem to be upset about her passing when he was cornered?
Why post about the flowers he brought to her grave but not about the life she lived?
If his Pawpaw was so important why didn't he drive the hour to see him in the year and a half we had been living together?
If his behavior surrounding his Grandma was all for show what did that mean for what I knew about his relationship with Pawpaw?
It's honestly disturbing, but it makes for the perfect revision of history. The person it concerns is no longer alive to contest any statements. It doesn't matter what the evidence points to, if you bring up the inconsistencies, now you're the a$$hole implying he doesn't miss his dead grandparent.
Now don't misunderstand me. He's just as human as the rest of us, and I have no doubt that he felt some version of loss. I also have no doubt that he used these situations as a means to garner attention, and to further serve the story that he was, is, and always will be a victim.
Gaslighting makes you feel like your entire reality is in some way wrong. There was a point I was writing down conversations, taking screenshots of everything and taking notes about his mood because I felt insane. It didn't help that I was constantly being told I was. Abusers foster this to the point you feel if you were to reach out, you would receive even harsher criticism than theirs.
Now to whoever decided to share my blog with my abuser.
Firstly, I don't blame you. I know how charming he seems in the beginning.
Secondly, I'll be here when he shows his true colors. I'd be glad to help you rebuild when he leaves you feeling shattered beyond repair. There will be no "I told you so". No "this is what you get". I sincerely hope you know I'm a safe place to reach out to.
However, understand that I will not stop. I will continue to speak the truth and bring awareness. Too many of us have fallen victim to domestic abuse because we've been conditioned to be ashamed of it.
Please ask yourself why I'm worth his time and energy NOW.
Lastly to my abuser: Delete messages, send out your flying monkeys, tell whatever lies you want. You are trying to control the version of me that you met in the beginning of our relationship.
What you don't seem to grasp is that she's dead. You killed that version of me with your abuse. I rose from her ashes, and I'm not going anywhere.
