turkey vultures

One of the things I noticed after moving to NC was the large number of turkey vultures. They're kind of everywhere. They serve their purpose in the eco system, and they look kind of pretty while they're in flight, but to be entirely honest, they're kind of gross. (Seriously they projectile vomit as a defense mechanism.)

Since leaving an abusive marriage I've noticed there's a human equivalent to these scavengers. Oh they don't kill. The blood isn't on their hands. But once the kill is over and the predator has had its fill, they swoop in to pick the bones clean. Get too close to interrupting that? You get covered in mess. 

Let me explain.

I tried to leave quietly. I made no announcements, just changed my name back on Facebook and changed my photos to my family. And the vultures began to circle. 

The first to reach out, I had gone on one date with. The date and the company were mediocre at best, but I hadn’t ever bothered to delete him from my social media. He wasn't a "bad guy", and it wasn't his fault there was no chemistry so what was the harm in letting him stay?

He messaged me out of the blue on snapchat. He said he was sorry for all I went through. He told me he had been considering moving to NC and wanted to know if I enjoyed it. We messaged back and forth for hours, days and weeks. 

He started flirting, and I have to admit the attention was nice. He said he enjoyed talking and wanted to take me on a do-over date the next time I was in IL. I told him I wasn't sure I was ready for anything too serious, but I didn't see the harm in one date. Not even two days later he messaged me for advice asking out "this new hot chick from work".

The emotional whiplash was blinding. I told him I was hurt. He insisted I had entirely misunderstood the situation. That he was only being friendly. I told him if he had decided he wasn't interested he could have simply said so.

Unfortunately vultures rarely travel alone. Vulture #2 was an ex boyfriend from about 10 years ago. He insisted he just wanted to catch up, chat, be friendly. 

Maybe I'm just a prude, but I don't usually tell my friends to picture my "hot body" on them. Call it a personal preference.

He followed this conversation with a picture of himself (ALL of himself 🍆) in the bathtub via snapchat. I had enough at that point.

He noticed he no longer had access to my snapchat and asked if everything was alright.

Two days after "leaving me be" he messaged again. 

I didn't respond.

The last vulture is arguably the most interesting. About 8 years ago we worked in the same mall. He wandered into my store out of boredom. It was a slow night so we talked through his lunch break, and mine. We traded phone numbers and started messaging nonstop. We went on a few dates, timed our lunch breaks so we could talk and generally did the whole honeymoon phase thing. 

Until he ghosted. 

He went no contact out of the blue.  A few years later, I passed him at a convention. I was dating my now ex-husband so I just smiled and nodded as I passed. He texted within minutes "long time no see, are you going to go to supper? Can I join you?" I ignored the message.

This time he messaged saying he just wanted to catch up. (Why is that always the line?) We chatted for a few days. He told me about his life and I told him about mine. Eventually he got around to what he actually wanted. 

"So what would I have to do for a second chance?"

"For starters? Understand that the "me" you knew at 22 or 23 is effectively dead."

It may have been blunt, but I was SO tired of explaining to people that you don't go through cancer or abuse without some sort of fundamental change. But his response left me absolutely livid.

"Kinda morbid, but ok"

It was flippant and contemptuous. In four words he dismissed the two biggest fights of my life. The undertone was one of annoyance and superiority. 

I knew he was looking for the reaction I would have given at 22. The version of me he knew would have apologized. Told him I went overboard. Try to prove I was worth his attention. Unfortunately for him, that me is dead. Instead, he got this.

Turkey vultures will always come. They'll circle above looking for easy pickings. They assume you'll be grateful for any attention. That your scraps are undesirable, you're damaged beyond repair, and you're lucky to have the uninvested, apathetic, lukewarm reception they offer up. The biggest shock you can give them is to survive, to live, and to fight back. Demand the respect, care, and love that you deserve.

I'm done trying to prove my worth. In cancer and in abuse I had to actively decide if I was worth fighting for. Doubt was a luxury I couldn't afford. Apathy meant death. I will not wrap my trauma up in a pretty little bow to make it easier for someone to accept. 

I spent years cutting myself down into more acceptable, bite size pieces for the comfort of others. I won't do it any longer. If they choke on my entirety, it's not mine to fix. 

Tiktoker Sarah Hester Ross put it best.

"If I'm too much, go find less."