sticks and stones

"Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me"...

What a load of crap.

I convinced myself that I wasn't REALLY being abused because he hadn't been physical with me yet. However it's the cruelty of his words that still stays with me.

"I know your talking but all I hear is yahblechgablada"

 

This was his response to my first attempt at speaking with him after surgery.

This is the face he said that to.

For those who aren't aware the spark notes version of the surgery is as follows

-20+ hours in surgery 

-tracheostomy placed to bypass airway

-Removed 80+% of my oral tongue (the part that actually sits in your mouth)

-Incision across my throat to remove 151 lymph nodes 

- attempt to build a replacement flap using muscle from my thigh (failed)

-second attempt to rebuild a replacement using my forearm (successful)

-skin graft to cover the missing skin on forearm (thigh used for donor skin) 

-six surgical drains placed to prevent fluid buildup as I healed 

-feeding tube placed 

The replacement flap is sewn to the floor of my mouth making certain sounds near impossible to make (Th, D, G, and L are especially difficult). I didn't know if I would ever speak with any intelligibility again. It was, and still is my biggest insecurity. And those were the words he chose. 

I was barely two weeks removed from all of this. I had been out of the hospital a week. I was weak, exhausted and heavily medicated. The only reason I have a picture from that day is because it was to update my family. It was the first time we were able to wash my hair since leaving the hospital (I couldn't get my surgical sites wet). It was the first time I had gotten out of pajamas, and it was my 3rd attempt at a cap trial.

The trach served as a bypass to protect my airway during surgery. To make sure it's safe to remove, a 24 hour cap trial is required where the trach opening is temporarily closed, allowing you to breathe cough and speak without the bypass. My first two attempts failed. I was desperate to get it out.

 It was itchy and drippy and uncomfortable. It was like having a runny nose constantly dripping onto my chest. I had to write out everything I wanted to communicate. And no matter how well you understand it in theory, nothing quite prepares you for the intrusive thoughts that accompany having a constantly open hole in your neck.

My tentative excitement at my progress shattered at his words. I broke down in tears, shutting down completely. I never wanted to speak again. I knew I was hard to understand, but how could he say that?

He tried to leave without speaking to anyone once he realized how badly he'd upset me. He insisted he had no idea why I was upset. My parents heard me crying. Mom came to check on me, and I tried to cover for him. I said I was worried my husband would no longer understand me. Which was true but not the entirety of the situation. Mom asked me point blank what happened. I choked out that he had said "all I hear is *gibberish noises*" 

Needless to say they weren't thrilled with his choice of words.

I convinced myself that he didn't really mean anything by it and had accidentally overstepped. Even my best friend thought surely it had to be a slip.

She did everything in her power to keep me focused on getting better. Encouraging me to keep pushing on days I felt up to talking and making sure I was included in conversation by asking me yes/no questions on days I didnt.

The problem was that over time it became more and more clear that these "slips" were becoming intentional. The words that were chosen, the way they were delivered, the frequency it was happening... after a while I just couldn't believe it was all by mistake. I still remember the moment I knew it wasn't. 

I had just gotten back from a trip to visit my parents and my best friend in NC. He had pouted about me spending 4th of July with them instead of him (we had no plans). He had been invited but last minute declared he had no vacation time available. He guilt tripped me saying I was leaving him all alone. While I was there, I had largely gotten the silent treatment.

I had arrived back home before he got off work. I waited in the bedroom, knowing he'd be angry and bracing myself for the incoming storm. My heart was thundering as his car pulled in. I was nauseous as he came up the stairs. And then he walked in the bedroom.

"There's my girl! Oh I love you so much! I missed you! Come here baby!" 

I was floored but excited. I started to rise from the bed to meet his outstretched arms. But he walked straight past me.

He had adopted a kitten while I was away. He scooped her up in his arms and blatantly ignored me while showering the cat with affection.

He did that on purpose. He chose to do that with the sole intent of hurting me. I was too stunned to say or do anything. 

I think the mentality surrounding "Sticks and Stones" can be harmful. The thought that someone can be verbally abusive and it is the victim's responsibility to remain unaffected because "it's just words" is pervasive enough to have entered a large number of individual's thoughts surrounding domestic abuse. 

The other aspect is that sticks and stones is meant for playground insults. Its meant for the kid who calls you fart face in fourth grade that you'll never see after 8th grade graduation. 

It's meant to be a reminder to not take to heart the words of people whose thoughts and opinions you don't value. Of course it's still hurtful in the moment, but it's easier to recover from someone's unkind words once you realize their opinions hold no value.

I did value his thoughts, his opinions. I desperately wanted his love and acceptance. If the sticks and stones are consistently being thrown by someone you love, it is abuse. And it is not your responsibility to remain unaffected.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can cut like knives.