treading water
I saw a Facebook post the other day that caught my attention. It focused around an experiment run by Harvard in the 1950s. They placed rats in a tub of water with no escape. In their first run, most of the rats would succumb to exhaustion after about 15 minutes in the water. In the second run, they changed their method slightly.
The rats were placed in the water and made to swim as before. But this time once they were really struggling, they were pulled out, dried off, allowed a few moments to rest, and then placed back in. The rats that were given respite then treaded water for an average of 60 HOURS.
The post was meant to show the "amazing power of hope" but it just made me feel nauseous. This is why.
(I'm in rainbow. Also he had a profile picture with his face at this time, so I'm covering it in these for his privacy)
These three conversations ranged from spring of 2017 to fall of 2020. Four years is a long time to feel like you're drowning, and I know women who lasted much longer than me.
This is not even close to every time we had a discussion like this. I so often felt that I was treading water, barely keeping my head up. Expending energy but going nowhere. I was constantly exhausted.
The main cycle of abuse breaks down into 3 major states that rotate through in order.
The buildup, the acute explosion, and the honeymoon/ calm phase.
The buildup is groundwork for you to be alone when the ticking time bomb finally explodes. Most of the time it's subtle. Planting opinions that they then reinforce until it feels like fact. Gaslighting to make you doubt yourself.Often the further in you get, the more explicit it gets. Turning to threats, intimidation, and berating.
After a period of build up comes the explosion. This is the part people think of when you say abuse. The yelling and screaming, the name calling. Slamming doors and throwing objects. I would usually lock myself in a room and wait out the storm, knowing that he would eventually exhaust himself.
The honeymoon phase almost always follows an explosion. It begins with a quick apology that glosses over the problem. If it was anything short of enthusiastically accepted I was a bitch for being "so focused on the past" and the explosion would begin again. (If it happened 2 hours ago and you're just now calm enough to discuss it that isn't the past. That's the present.)
Its then followed by overwhelming adoration to the point its a bit uncomfortable (love bombing). It's almost frantic "I need you" "you're the only one who can calm me" "I don't know how to live without you".
Lots of talk about big future dreams and plans rounds out the honeymoon phase to keep your focus on this amazing future you were promised if you just keep at it a little longer.
If abusers were constantly at their worst nobody would stay in their company beyond a few minutes. The problem is that period of unmatched adoration. They have you treading water and just when they think you'll collapse and leave, they swoop in. They dry you off, warm you up, apologize with such veracity you almost forget it was them that placed you in the tub of water to begin with... almost.
It happens so slowly the first few times you don't really notice that you're slipping back into the buildup. For me, I started noticing that even as he was professing his undying love, his actions never quite matched his words. The longer you're together the longer the buildup, and the more aggressive and explicit the explosion becomes.
Even the honeymoon phase loses its glamor as you realize that the promises made are rarely acted upon. Even when things are "good" you are constantly on high alert, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it will. You never know when, or what will trigger it but you know it is coming.
Once he realized he could leave me treading water for a long time before he had to do anything about it, the time between periods of rest grew longer and longer. The times of peace got shorter, and the explosions became more dangerous.
I think it's perfectly natural for there to be periods of life where we feel like treading water. There will always be seasons of change that don't move as quickly as we hope or daily cycles that we find monotonous. However, if the cycle is one that your partner has placed you in, and it's constantly making you feel like you're drowning, it's probably time to set some boundaries and seek out some outside assistance.
