anatomy of a "wife guy"
I have a riddle for you!
What do being a badass, being smart, and being a man who deeply loves his wife all have in common?
Give up?
The answer is if you genuinely possess any of these qualities, they go without saying.
Have you ever heard someone EXPLAINING why they're smart and had it genuinely change your mind as to their level of intelligence? Or did you walk away from those situations thinking "they really want people to THINK that they're smart"?
In both cases, these men married attractive, well rounded women who were out of their league. In both cases, they destroyed their relationships, and their careers by choosing to be unfaithful.
Now I want to focus on Ned especially because the general reaction surrounding the situation was shock and disbelief. While I was disappointed, I can't say I was overly surprised. I kept wondering why Ned had always rubbed me the wrong way. I never payed too much attention previously. But after making an effort I realized it was because I had seen this before.
Ex was cut from the same cloth. I was his bright shiny plaything he couldn't wait to show off. I was publicly praised for intelligence and empathy while being privately berated for those same qualities. I want to be clear, don't have hard evidence of him cheating. I do, however, have evidence that he chose to put himself in situations that left that option very accessible.
Ned rarely used her name. It was always "my wife" but hardly ever "Ariel". I remember Ex having co-workers that knew about my cancer diagnosis but didn't know my name. It made me feel like an accessory. Ex (like many abusers) loved titles. He pushed for the title of girlfriend, of fiancé, and of wife. It made it that much easier to define me by my relation to him. In his perfect world I would only exist to supplement his appearance.
Ned's behavior was constantly attention-seeking. I initially chalked it up to his job. If you're a content creator it would make sense to have that mindset, but clearly it spilled over into his personal life. Ex constantly needed attention as well. Good or bad didn't matter so much as long as all eyes were on him.
Both of those play into the fact that Ned and Ex both publicly presented themselves as "the wife guy". Both determined their most distinctive and likable quality was having a wife. That was the thing that would get people (especially women) to interact with them.
It was another "bit". They're the type of man who genuinely believes that their wedding band is catnip to women without understanding that the reason women interact with them more frequently isn't because they're unattainable. They've simply been deemed less dangerous because they are accountable to their spouse.
What really got to me is the behavior all this culminated in. Both talked about loving their wives near constantly, but ironically it didn't leave much time for actually loving their wife. It sounds strange I know, but we don't have to look further than the one hate message I recieved from one of his friends after leaving...
Did you catch it?
No?
I didn't until a few days ago...
There it is.
When they met, I was recovering from cancer surgery and headed into radiation and chemo. The man who "couldn't shut up" about me was at a cosplay convention while my parents were sleeping in shifts. While they were figuring out how to care for a tracheostomy and change dressings on a skin graft, he was making friends with single women nearly 10 years his junior at a three day social event.
His "support" during my treatment included showing up to one of three rounds of chemo, and less than 5 of 33 radiation treatments. I understand my radiation treatments were mid-day on weekdays. I never expected him to be at all of them, but chemo was only three days. They were each a full day, each 3 weeks apart from each other. He was working at the dollar store (after being fired from another job days before my first chemo), and had a flexible schedule. I find it hard to believe that he couldn't manage to trade or request off those 3 days.
At one point in the middle of my treatment, my dad had to call him because he wouldn't pick up for me and I hadn't heard from or seen him in five days. I remember feeling guilty as I cried into my mom's shoulder saying "I just want my husband."
The only financial contribution came in the form of a divorce settlement that I used to pay off my surgery. My parents and I genuinely laughed at this part of the message. We were the ones who waded through piles of paperwork for financial aid. Mom made a call at the beginning of each month to get an extension on my surgery bill which was initially over $300,000 so it didn't go to collections while we waited for it to be seen by financial aid. That call happened once a month for about a year.
I didn't catch it before. I didn't know what to look for, but if someone is trying SO hard to convince you that they love their spouse, you might want to pause and ask yourself why they feel the need to convince you. You might want to consider how their actions align with their words.
If he was so infatuated why was he at a convention while I was in treatment?
If he was SO in love why wouldn't he pick up when I called?
If I was that irresistible why did he choose stranger's praise over his wife's admiration?
I don't say any of this to complain or to drag him. What I AM saying is there's a distinct difference between a "wife guy" and a guy who sincerely loves his wife.
