Speaking Out Without a Tongue

Content warning: SA This topic had been sitting in my drafts for a while. I wasn't sure if and how I would approach this topic but in light of the likely overturning of Roe v Wade I think it's time to face it. ... Winter 2019/2020 "I HATE you!" I don't remember why he was angry this time. It's hard to separate.  But I remember those words.  It's one of those things you can't forget.  Even if you try...  I know... I tried. I remember standing, bare feet planted in the thin apartment carpeting. He hovered so close I could feel the heat from his breath as he shouted.  I remember the smirk as he pulled back. Confident he'd "won". That he'd shut me up. I remember the silence that followed. It hung thick in the air. Every breath felt heavy. Tears pricked and rolled down my cheeks. I dug my heels in and brought myself to full height. I wouldn't have him accuse me of being hysterical. I wouldn't have him tell me I was a coward for wa...

My ex husband and I started off as long distance. He lived in Southern Indiana, I was in Central Illinois. It was about a 4 or 5 hour drive. Because of that, we didn't get to see each other unless one of us took a long weekend off of work and made the drive. Our first Christmas dating (about 6 months in) I gifted both him and my friend, (we'll call her Rose) tickets to a cosplay convention that happens in East Peoria every January.  Rose had moved halfway across the country and I was thrilled to see her again. I knew it would be a busy weekend and there would be a few last minute details (there always is with conventions) but I was excited to spend some time with the people I cared most about.  The weekend would rapidly devolve into a series of cascading disasters. It would become indicative of his need to be the center of attention no matter the event, and his efforts to isolate me from the voices of reason in my life. It would also become a marker for the exhaustion that acc...

I recieved this message from a young woman who I had met once. I honestly had to go to her profile to figure out who she was. I brought a tray of homemade cookies to her 21st birthday party and made conversation with her for less than 5 minutes.  The post she's referring to was on a women's support group page.  It was supposed to be anonymous but I forgot to check a box to make sure it was.  I initially chose to leave it as it was simple and honest. I explained that I had been through cancer and as a result I was wanting to move to be near my family. I felt it was a reasonable request but I had been told so many times that I was asking too much or being far too demanding. I just wanted an unbiased opinion.  Now I admit I was angry at first. This person who knows NOTHING about me felt entitled to speak about my character. Everything she wrote was absolutely untrue. I wanted to confront her and tell her how wrong she was. How he abandoned me dur...

Ok I felt weird posting this before valentine's day but this feels relevant. Valentine's Day 2019.  I had been married for a month and two days and I couldn't be more proud. Things were tight financially but we were getting by. We had agreed no gifts as we were trying to cut unnecessary spending (or at least I was). I asked if I could still make us a special meal for our first valentine's as a married couple. He agreed, and requested beef stroganoff with no onion and no mushroom (it would be like requesting pizza with no sauce and no cheese).  I told him I'd figure it out. What I actually figured out was if you throw anything in the food processor long enough you can hide it. Yes, I absolutely pulled the same trick as many parents with picky toddlers. And yes with some distance, I now absolutely see how that was a reflection of a much larger issue. I grabbed the ingredients after I got off work and even grabbed a bottle of sparkling cider as a treat. He was a bit la...

One thing that always stood out to me was my ex's disregard for social standards. There are particular norms that we all follow for the most part. If there's a line, you join in back and wait patiently. If you use a shopping cart, you return it to the cart return. If you're in a movie theater you turn your cellphone ringer off. They're basic matters of respect and kindness towards those around us. And yet we always seemed to be arguing over them. I distinctly remember one of the first arguments we ever had about this. I hadn't met any of his friends yet but I was going to the next time I visited. He had told me that he was hanging out with his friends and not to expect a prompt response or video chat that evening. I told him no problem and to have fun. But then he started posting pictures and videos of their evening out. His friend was in full joker makeup adding deranged laughter to the mix. He was communicating only in a batman voice.  Now I'm not hating on co...

January 12th was supposed to be my wedding anniversary.  Today should have been 3 years.  My first anniversary I was fresh out of cancer treatment, and actively being abused.  My second I was in the middle of the divorce process. Now I'm here. I'm not quite sure where "here" is to be honest.  Today it's sad. It's numb. It's hollow. I don't know how to feel about something that was supposed to be the rest of our lives collapsing after a year. I never saw myself as being divorced before my 30th birthday. I swore up and down that I wouldn't be one of those statistics. I wouldn't give up. I guess that's part of it. I didn't just give up. I tried so hard. I sacrificed so much to be with him. I gave up relationships. I gave up my support system.  I thought I'd just always bear the brunt of being the strong one, the stable one. He expected that of me. That I be his support system, his impulse control, his "fixer". He was upset th...

"Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me"... What a load of crap. I convinced myself that I wasn't REALLY being abused because he hadn't been physical with me yet. However it's the cruelty of his words that still stays with me. "I know your talking but all I hear is yahblechgablada"   This was his response to my first attempt at speaking with him after surgery. This is the face he said that to. For those who aren't aware the spark notes version of the surgery is as follows -20+ hours in surgery  -tracheostomy placed to bypass airway -Removed 80+% of my oral tongue (the part that actually sits in your mouth) -Incision across my throat to remove 151 lymph nodes  - attempt to build a replacement flap using muscle from my thigh (failed) -second attempt to rebuild a replacement using my forearm (successful) -skin graft to cover the missing skin on forearm (thigh used for donor skin)  -six surgical drains placed to prev...